My favourite picture of all time.  I was talking to Laurie a lot tonite.  She just found out that i've liked Arty for 5 years and she kept on telling me to tell him how i feel.  i'm not sure whether now is the rt time or wut.. Should I get to know him better?  I mean as like an extremely close friend?  Or should I not wait and tell him now?  I'm soo confused about all this...  Every time I see him, the urge to tell him grows stronger and stronger... but I also get the feeling that I shouldn't tell him quite yet...  Like there's still more growth that has to happen in our friendship before a relationship could happen...  Laurie told me that I over think too much, procrastinate, make things harder than they are, and make too many excuses... maybe I do.. but I don't know... All I know is that I want Arty to know... But determining when I will tell him, now that's my issue that I haven't been able to resolve.

i was happy n hyper... but it's amazing how drastically a few words from sumone can make u feel so... down... i didnt realize that talking about tiger n superman was such a problem for some ppl... i'm sorry if i've annoyed u guys...  i'm sorry that i have a bit of a self confidence problem that it's hard for me to think i'll ever get a guy... i'm trying to get over it... it just has always been that way.. n when u face rejection your whole life... except from the losers.... your self confidence goes drastically down... i'm sorry... n after keaton... i'm still hurting... a lot...  n i know none of u wanna here nething about him ne more... but i still love him... i dont want to but i do... n talking about these other 2 guys n liking them... helps... but barely ne of u guys know that i live with a lot of memories of keaton...  when i made out with him... that scene has been flashing before my eyes too many times to count... especially in the past few weeks... when i've found 2 of the best guys i've ever known n... it's like satan is trying to keep me in the past n not let me move on with my life.. Keaton just last week told me that he still loves me... it's really hard for me... i dont think i can explain nething ne better to u guys...  but tiger n superman... they r guys that i like sooo much that i dont know what to do around them... i dont wanna screw up n lose my chances with these guys who i've never known ne one else who exceeds them in my mind...  n thinkin about them.. most of the time... keeps keaton out of my mind... n i like that... n i like them.. i dont want the memory of "me and keaton" always grasping me tightly... i knew at the beginning he wasnt rt for me.. n i still fell for him... n now these two christian guys... one of whom i've liked for years... n one of whom i met this year... i cant explain it... ya.. it may or may not work out with either of them...  but i dont know... i'm sorry... neways.. i'm not even sure if i agree with chicks askin out guys... i havent made my mind up about that... my parents dont agree with it.. i know that... so if i havent made up my mind about it yet then maybe i shouldnt do it myself... neways.. superman cant date until he's 18... which is this september... n i think tiger.. if he has ne interest in me at all.. i think he needs more time... so i'm sorry for annoying everyone... i just thought that i could tell ppl n talk to them about it... let them share in my joy instead of just my suffering... i thought that being happy was better than being sad... maybe i was wrong... correct me if i'm wrong... but none of u like listening to me do u?...  btw i'm not trying to hurt neone.. i'm just upset at the moment...  i'll just shut up.. none of u want or should hear ne more.... i'm not angry... not angry at neone... i'm just really upset... but i'll get over it... like i always have to... forgive me if i've made u upset or annoyed or angry... goodbye.....:(

Hey everyone!  I dont really know what i'm gonna write about but i'll just write sumthin... my feet hurt.  i finished my longest shift yet at outback steakhouse n i dont think my shoes fit well enuf. o well.  i picked up my tips tonite too. i got $21 in tips for three shifts.  i'm gettin my paycheck on friday.. Its my first one! n it's probly gonna be around $193.52!!!!!  YAY FOR MONEY!!!  since i havent blogged for such a long time, maybe i should update n inform everyone of wut has happened.  1.  I got a job at outback steak house (lol like that wasnt obvious). 2.  i'm doing CALM over the summer.  3.  I got a death threat, but i'm not gonna expand on it becuz i've talked way too much about it n it doesnt need mentioning ever again.  4. I'm getting my license on the 26th of august.  5. i can now take friends out on boats at the lake 5min from my house.  6.  i'm CRAZY about tyler... n i doubt he reads this, so thats y i'm writing it.  he knows i like him... but everyone keeps telling me that sumtimes the way i have acted has freaked him out... i like him sooooo much... n i can barely keep it contained in myself...  i just keep thinking about how great he is... how smart he is... n i worry that he's too stressed... i think about him sooo much that it drives me crazy... i think about him at work... at home.. when i'm with him n when we're apart...i dream about him... i miss him when he's gone... when i hug him i dont wanna let go...  he's one of the best guys i kno... n finally i like a guy who is a christian n i have no doubt in my mind that he's amazing.  no one says nething bad about him. he isnt a flirt, which for me means more than neone could imagine.  after keaton... nvm i wont mention that.  it's just if i could be with tyler... i'd be the happiest girl alive... i couldnt ask for a better guy....  but neways enuf of my talk.. i apparently talk too much bout him. o well. cya guys later!

hey. havent updated in a while so i am now.  boo.  i'm me n this is me writing.  there's a hockey game on tonite. the flames better win. i finally had a girls nite sleepover thing with my 2 best friends (hehe LESSSSSSSLIE and BEEEEEEEEKA).  we havent been able to do that for forever. it was nice. but if i wasnt all (SENSORED) it would have been better.  we went shopping too in the morning/afternoon.  i bought them lunch and they were all "tasha no. please dont. we can buy our own" but i said i wanted to, so i spent like around $15 on lunch.  Then i bought some headphones that r more comfortable than the ones i have.  then i bought a chocolate dipped ice cream cone at DQ :D:D:D.  Then i visited my grandpa for a while..... :(......he keeps getting better than getting bad again.... i dont know wuts going to happen with him.... we're going to put him in a long term care facility..... he was so angry with my mom when she told him.... he didnt talk to her for a while......:(......n then my family's money problems..... we're so broke rt now.... my mom's afraid we may lose our house...... n there's so much crap goin on.... n i'm having trouble getting over him.... n i dont feel very accepted by a lot of ppl for who i am... n it sux... i think some ppl are afraid of me... n others think i'm creepy.... if they think i'm creepy... well they should know that nething seemingly creepy that i do is a joke and me just trying to have fun... n i give ppl hugs all the time becuz there's this thing from the bible... i dont know exactly wut it says but it's like this: if you want people to treat you in a certain way, treat them that way.... so ya... i give hugs, cuz i love giving them to ppl cuz i know that it would make me feel better if someone did it to me so i do it to them..  plus sumtimes i just really really want to be hugged and held... but ya.. most ppl never want to do that for me... or give me a massage or nething cuz i'm stressed out and really tense or in pain... but hey w/e...wut am i complaining about... I'm not gonna let it get me depressed ne more cuz that sux soooo much.  ya today may be a down day for me, but i'm not gonna let it keep me down all the time.  well anyways, here's my shout outs. i dont feel like writing ne more.


SHOUT OUTS

WOW! What a tiring n awesome n stupid week!  Tiring = getting up extra early n staying up late with my Australian billets :D Sooooooo much fun!  Awesome = I got to host two amazing Aussie girls: Kate n Laura.  They r soo cool.  Their performance on thursday was amazing!  n those Aussie guys!  yum!  n then the Big Band Dinner Dance (bbdd)!  Aw that was soo much fun, n sooooooooooooooooo relaxing, n perfect! mmmmmmm.... *sigh*....... i love you.......... thank you for everything...... i could hold you forever...................
Stupid = my grandpa had a major heart attack n is losing his memory n probly wont get outta the hospital.  My mom mite haveta have surgery to take out a rib, which is a major surgery.  My ribs havent healed.  n Social is stupid. n 2 guys both want me, n they hate each other.
Well i'm kinda not feelin like typin ne more or ne details so ya i'm stoppin now.

I love you...I want to be with you...I want to spend more time with you...I want to love you n let ppl know i do...i want ppl to understand y i do...i want my heart to stop hurting...i want to cry in your arms...i want to catch you when u fall...i want to...kiss you...and whisper sweet nothings in your ear.....i want to have u as mine....i want you to hold me when i'm weak.... love me when i dont love myself.... hug me when i'm down....support me in everything.....love me with all your heart..... i want to do sooo many things........ u have been there for me....... u have seen me cry..... u know sum of my deepest secrets...... u r amazing......thank u for being there when i needed to talk to you...... thank you for not judging me....... thank you for supporting my dream....... thank you for loving me...... i love you n i wish i could do more..... i love you......

Shout outs

Beka--rub sum of your happiness on me.... i havent seen you for a long time, n all  the happiness you gave to me then has come off.... i want to cry in ur arms..... i love you

Leslie--ur awesome...thanx for bein there for me...i want to cry in your arms aswell...the aussie ppl are coming in just over 2 weeks:)... i'm taking in two... maybe they'll be guys:)...love you... ttyl

I LOVE WEDDINGS SO MUCH! LORI N JOSH R SOOOOOOO CUTE TOGETHER! THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER!  I CUDNT STOP SMILING!  I NEEDED THAT SO BAD, N I WAS SOO HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME!  I WAS JUS GLOWING!  N SUM OF MY FRIENDS WERE ASKING ME WHETHER IT HURT TO SMILE SO MUCH! N I WAS ALL "NO"!! YAY! N I WAS DREAMIN BOUT MY OWN WEDDING! N HOW LESLIE N BEKA R GONNA BE IN IT WITH ME, N HOW I'M GONNA SING TO MY HUSBAND, N HOW I'M GONNA HAVE A LIL KID AS THE RING BEARER, N HOW I MIGHT GET MARRIED ON THE BEACH N RIDE OFF IN THE SUNSET WITH MY HUBBY ON HORSES!  N EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE SOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL AT THE WEDDING! I CANT WAIT TILL I'M MARRIED!  I'M GONNA HAVE THE PERFECT GUY EVER!  N WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER N EVER N EVER! I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  N I KNOW I'M GONNA BE SMILING NON STOP THROUGHOUT MY WEDDING!  I'M GONNA BE ECSTATIC!  I LOVE YOU BEKA N LESLIE!  U GUYS R GONNA LOOK SOOO HOT IN THE DRESSES AT MY WEDDING! HAHAHAHA! LOVE YOU GUYS!

HAHAHAHAHA N MY GRANDPARENTS R SET ON HOOKIN ME UP WITH SUPERMAN (A.K.A. PRINCE CHARMING TO THEM!) LOL YAY! N I WOULDNT MIND THAT AT ALL! U KNOW IT BEKA N LESLIE!  HE'S SO PERFECT FOR ME!  BUT DO U THINK I'LL EVER HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM?  MY MOM SEEMS TO THINK SO.  N SINCE I CANT SEE Y HE'D WANNA BE WITH ME, MY MOM THINKS THAT'S GOOD!

WELL I GOTTA GO TO THE RECEPTION N DANCE NOW!  SUPERMAN IS GONNA BE THERE!  SO I GOTTA GO! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!  THIS IS THE BEST ONE I THINK FOR ME YET! YAY!  SPREAD THE SEXY HAPPINESS N FUN!

k.. i'm sick.. n it's annoyin me.. my parents wont let me outta the house, even if i'm feelin a ton better.. so i had to miss goin to see a movie that i really wanted to see.. "50 first dates".. n so now i'm sittin here typin this.. waitin for leslie, beka, n chris to visit me.. wish i wasnt sick.. this is dumb.. i cud have gone to that awesome movie, gone back to leslie's later, n then slept over... now becuz of this dumb cold i'm not allowed outta this stupid house.. n then there's my complete confusion with all my guy problems.. wut am i gonna do?.. n if i choose to make a decision one way, who will i hurt?.. n when i make a decision, will i hurt myself?.. n i cant talk to my fam becuz i wanna avoid all the teasing.. n if i do tell them, i'll never hear the end of it.. shud i make my decision on wut my instincts tell me, or on how my heart will feel?.. the more n more i think about my problems, the more n more confused i find myself.. n then when i talk to my friends bout how i'm thinking, i end up confusing them as well.. i dont understand nethin ne more.. wut am i gonna do?.. there's so many questions that i cant answer.. there's so many circumstances outta my control.. how will this mess in my life untangle in the end?.. all i know is i need to give it all up to god.. yet i'm finding it extremely difficult..

SHOUT OUTS

Beka -- thanx for talkin n cryin with me.. thanx for tryin to understand.. thanx for everythin.. where wud i be without u.. love you so much..

Leslie -- ur amazing.. thanx for everythin.. n where wud i be without u.. i love u so much too... it's unbelievable.. later

Aren't I sexi?!!!! hahahahahha!  i like cows n monkeys who work in satelites in space so that we, lazy couch potatos, can watch over 200 channels!  ok....... strange....... very strange....... take her away! take her away!..... k the insane clinophobiac has been apprehended for the time being....

OK, here goes.  a description of my boring day:  woke up.  got dressed with "THE PEAK" on the radio.  went upstairs.  made lunch.  ok skip to skool... k... met up with leslie, n jen followed.  went to find grimstead to ask him bout aussie guys stayin at my house, big band dinner dance, n my concert chior mark.  went to an EXTREMELY EXCITING science class, where we were given a lecture on how to write up labs n then we had to do a graph! wow! arent you excited?! i sure know i am!  then i found out that my mom never gave me my gym module sheet so i had to phone me daddy n get him to read them to me so i cud write them down... ugh... went to gym. milled. got sum good modules.. got sum bad modules.  went back to science. did a lab on how much a spring stretches when u add masses to it. :O!  wrote the lab up. went to lunch. filled my lunch hour with christian club. which is cool, but i wasnt in the mood for sittin there, so it was borin.. then the exciting part of my day happened!  YAY DRAMA! WE PLAYED GAMES!  I GOT TO MEET A FEW HOTTIES!  N I WAS WITH MY FAVOURITE BOWNESS CAITLIN SO IT WAS COOL! the uncool part was holdin sweaty guys' hands. o well........ THEN i went to social.....:P..... so boring... my sub was monotone.... my class was being stupid... n i had to copy down a whole CRAP LOAD of notes.... then we got hw! :O...... THEN the most excitin part of my day yet!  I GOT TO GO HOME!  n i loved it cuz i got to talk to my leslie again! YAY! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! when i got home i ate a bunch of stuff n fell asleep on the couch with my dog for bout two or so hours.  i unpacked n repacked the dishwasher, had supper, did sum hw, went on the computer, talked to my CRAZY BEKA N LESLIE, n now i'm here. procrastinatin on hw! now that i've told you bout my borin day.... i need sumone to stop u from snorin...

At least my Beka n Leslie create more excitement in my life!!! YAY FOR THEM! WOAH! u know wut i jus realized?  i was gonna have this entry talk bout guys!  that totally didnt happen! well i'll give u a small update newayz... k since my recent heart break, i have refocused!  that's wut pain does to you; it helps you grow stronger n refocus on things that r important.  i think i'm over u (u know who u are).  I still wanna be best friends with you, like we always have been, but if u ever wanna get with me, sorry you missed your chance. unless i change my mind later, but i dont think i will.  I made too many compromises for you n they got me no where n made my got life worse.  i'm not gonna make ne more compromises.  i'm gonna go for the guy who you know about, becuz i believe he's rt for me.  he's the type of person i want to be with. but rt now, i'm not gonna even focus on goin out with him.  i'm gonna build up a good friendship with him first n maybe after that sumthin mite happen. But until then, I'm gonna live as a single chick who wants to live life to the fullest.  I want to become more passionate.  I wanna build and learn electric guitar.  I wanna accomplish my dream career as a christian singer.  I know i can do all this with the strength of my Jesus n the determination to follow him no matter wut.  I didnt do that when i was head-over-heals for you, n it made my life a living...hmm.... a living trash can!!!! ok.... so that's my update.... cuz it's gotten really long, i'll stop now.

SHOUT OUTS

LESLIE -- YOU HAVETA PLAN UR PARTY SOON! PLEAZ PLEAZ PLEAZ! I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU!  YOU GOTTA CUM TO THE DANCE WITH ME! or i may not go....... n that wud be sad:(.. o n me n beka were wantin to ask u if we cud have a joint valentines day party... possibly at ur house.

BEKA -- would you ever marry a ground hog? :D you dont need guys to complete you.  cuz they never will n you'll always be disappointed. neways... I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU!  hehe...

BEKA & LESLIE -- HAHA u guys r terrible at not laughin on the phone n actin if sumthin is wrong!

KEATS -- ur a good guy. dont forget that. no matter wut happens i'll still be there for you as i wud ne other. n i accept u the way u are, cuz thats the way god made ya.  jus a word of advice... well more like me asking you to do sumthin for me... make good decisions...  i know you've heard that a ton of times, but i want to ask it of u... cuz when u hurt i hurt... and bad decisions=bad consequences... so make good choices... i care for everyone..... n so it leaves me in agony sumtimes when others hurt... ok... well u know i cud talk to u for hours.. so i'll stop now. LUV YA (as a good friend)

KAYLA & MARCELLA & ANGIE -- I miss choral with u guys... we haveta do sumthin soon. LUV YA!

CAITLIN -- DRAMA'S GONNA BE SOOOO MUCH FUN! SOOOOOO GLAD UR IN MY CLASS! maybe we can drag more ppl into our lil group. hehehehe... i'm thinkin... GUYS! try to make friends with guys!  girls r good too.... but... GUYS! lol

LOVE YOU ALL! this has gotten really long... n i have hw to do... so i gotta split! later people!